Something's Better

Like a twister in my mind

2011-10-05T00:26:00.002-04:00

Here I am. Wow I haven't been here for almost a year. Let's see how this goes.

So I come back and I'm looking through some drafts of things never published, and nearly every time I start it with something along the lines of "It's been a while since I've been here" or a variant of sorts. And once again I've started this like that. But you know what, fuck it.

Recently I've had a desire to start writing more again. I know I've had this feeling before, as I've gone through swings of it, but this time I'm up-ing the dedication. Getting me some moleskin, bitches!

So here's the thing: some heavy shit has been going down lately and it's tough. Hearts have been broken and I'm caught up in the middle of it not knowing what to do. I don't know if anyone's gonna read this, but for the sake anonymity will remain. The just of it is that a friend of mine just got left by his fiance. He came to me a few weeks ago and said things weren't going well - she was having doubts and whatnot. Then she came down one day and basically said she didn't want them anymore. And hearts were broken.

What to do. The guy is dying inside, and I can tell. I'm dying for him. What bothers me the most is that stuff like this has been happening a lot more recently. Personally, I have no doubts, either about myself or her. But shit like this makes me wonder, what if? Hypothetically speaking, if something did happen, who knows what I'd do. That shit's too real for me.

Anyways, this isn't very long, and chances are no one will read it. Still feels nice to be back here. Line from a new Jack's Mannequin is sticking with me right now:

"It's funny how the words we never say/Can turn into the only thoughts we know"

That is all.

I'd do anything

2010-11-02T18:50:00.004-04:00

sitting in this chair counting down from ten

waiting for this centuries launch to begin

she told me i'd never leave this galaxy

the blinding stars are all i can see

you know i'd do anything

let's skip the talk and forget it all

'cause you know i'd do anything

we sit in between a certain circle of friends

i can see all eyes upon you and me

don't let your guilty conscience free

'cause there's only five seconds 'til we're free

you know i'd do anything

let's skip the talk and forget it all

'cause you know i'd do anything

i can see there's something missing

we'll go and fix it, we'll go and fix it

i can see there's something missing

we'll go and fix it, we'll go and fix it

'cause you know i'd do anything

you know i'd do anything

let's skip the talk and forget it all

'cause you know i'd do anything

let's watch the stars roll on by

and let's be blinded by the light

'cause you know i'd do anything

Bored.

2010-04-01T01:43:00.008-04:00

So I was bored tonight and recorded some songs.

Worn - Sherwood
Brian Wilson - Barenaked Ladies
Butterflies - Yours truly

Have a listen. I also found some old demos on my computer that I'll put up sometime in the near future.

Music.

Peace.

Looking for something else to fill up that empty space.

2010-03-27T02:47:00.001-04:00

I'm in one of those moods where I want to stay up all night, reminisce about some old times, catch up with people I've lost touch with, have some meaningful conversations, and write a song. I haven't done that song writing thing in quite a while, and recently I've come to miss it. I also haven't had a meaningful conversation with someone in quite a while as well. The sad part is that most of the conversations I've had lately have been rooted around complaints. It sucks. I just want to sit downstairs on a couch and stay up all night playing guitar and hanging out with friends talking about something, anything meaningful. But I'm still not sure what meaningful actually means.

look at me and notice my social incompetence
to realize your dreams more than make sense
i still can't sleep sometimes at night
cause i hear your voice through these streets

and i still don't understand
how to put a smile on to your face
cause i'm looking for something else
to fill up this empty space

i see things through a different perspective
looking for signs around this place that i live
sometimes it's hard to forget these ways
but her look always brings me back to this place

and i still don't understand
how to put a smile on to your face
cause i'm looking for something else
to fill up this empty space

and what is wrong with this picture?
tell me something is making sense
cause i'm gonna sit and stare
waiting for you to glance my way

and i still don't understand
how to put a smile on to your face
cause i'm looking for something else
to fill up this empty space

There we go. Awfulness wrapped into a little ball. Funny though, I still kind of like it. I also like the fact that my hell week is finally finished. Had a metric shit tonne of work to do this week and it is now complete. Just a few more papers before exams, then home free.

I must say, I'm quite looking forward to it.

This one doesn't want to admit the 80's is over and done.

2010-02-05T01:17:00.001-05:00

Let's get down to business.

I'm not happy where I am. Haven't been for a while now. A few of the guys I live with just seem to get under my skin no matter what they do. Maybe that's my fault, being who I am and all. But then again, I feel like I'm not doing anything wrong.

I learned something useful today - how to tell if people are lying by looking at their eye movements. Without going all social psychology on you, I'll give you the basic rundown. Watch their eyes when you ask them a question. If they're lying, their eyes will either flick to the right or left (due to certain psychological factors I won't get into). It's quick and most of the time, it's done subconsciously. That's the best part about it - the other doesn't even know. I always loved the element of surprise.

I decided not to become an R.A. next year (that's Residence Advisor for all y'all). I figured that I wouldn't be able to handle a bunch of immature first-years. I know I can't say much, 'cause honestly, I'm probably not much better. So sue me. I live off campus, I can do what I want, not live under the five hundred page rule book of Redeemer, and just have some freedom and real independence. I'm pretty excited for it. The only thing though is to find somewhere to live. Hooray!

I've been struggling lately with something. Question. What am I passionate about? I honestly cannot come up with an answer good enough to feel justified. Who says I have to feel justified? Well, lately, everybody. But who fuckin' cares. Sorry, I'll keep it PG. I've wondered about sports, music, school, and an uncountable number of other things, and so far I've come up with one answer. Nothing. Troublesome, don't you think?

In spite of all of this though, I found something today that put a smile on my face. Some new music to listen to, and some old favourites to fall back on. My "sketchbook" also found its way off the shelf and under the furious movements of my Derwent Graphic 2B pencil. That's right, I went artsy on all your asses (all your being all of one or two people, if I'm lucky).

Lately, I've found that I don't have a lot of interest in other peoples lives, much less my own. I find this troubling, so I'm going to try and work on that. On the other hand, what's the point of being interested in other people's lives if you don't care much for that person anyways? Brings me back to my dorm of late. No cutting corners, I'm not having a very good time.

And that's being blunt about it.

P.s. To end on a more pleasant note, a song that's put a smile on my face:

All the Pretty Girls - fun.

Cheers.

I can't help but feel lost tonight

2009-12-10T00:58:00.001-05:00

Where do we go from here
you seem so far, but you're still so near
I thought I had you once before
but then you turned and walked out my door

And you meant something to me tonight
you meant something to me tonight
we meant something to me tonight
'cause you meant something to me tonight

Something about being in your arms
I thought I lost you
thought I lost you
I wanna be somebody else now

'Cause you meant something to me tonight
you meant something to me tonight
we meant something to me tonight
'cause you meant something to me tonight

Give me something real enough
give me somewhere to fall from
can't seem to catch my breath
lost myself trying to find you

And you meant something to me tonight
you meant something to me tonight
we meant something to me tonight
'cause you meant something to me tonight

Time for exams.

Here. We. Go.

Dear Jack

2009-11-09T14:27:00.001-05:00

in this sea drift sun.

2009-11-09T00:24:00.001-05:00

i remember this.

brings me back.

Headed for a cliff.

2009-10-13T02:15:00.002-04:00

It's one of those nights. You don't want to sleep 'cause then you know the week will begin, when in fact, it began 3 days ago. Well, let's get going.

Turn It Off - Paramore

I had a fun weekend. Sometimes I froze myself to the bone, but I still had a good time. It's always a weird feeling when you've had certain traditions your whole life, for example thanksgiving, and then you're pulled headlong into something completely different and new. It can be a great time.

I celebrated 2 years today (well technically yesterday now). It's definitely been 2 of the best years of my life, and I honestly can't wait for it to continue. I still find it crazy how fast it went by and how many things have happened. Many memories, many bruises (don't take that the wrong way), but I'm still in love. Amazing.

Something I wrote during the summer, just to fill up this "post".

I could use a vacation myself
stuck in the line for days
I'm a deer in the headlights
drowning in the light of the world

No, I won't be missing you
missing you, missing you
I want to, but I won't be
missing you, missing you, missing you

I'm running from everything you said I'd become
the gray in your hair still shows me what I could be
But my eyes are so tired
and I think I could use a vacation myself

No, I won't be missing you
missing you, missing you
I want to, but I won't be
missing you, missing you, missing you

I miss writing. I was thinking about that today. I hate how I'm so focused on school work and sports and my free time is all tied up in homework or practices. I wish I could have more free time to write short stories or songs or just write anything that's on my mind. It's frustrating at times.

So I guess that's what brought me back her tonight. Writing this shit of a post is my drug; my secret fix in the daily schemes of things. I can get my high right in the middle of the public eye, and nobody has to know but myself.

Well, myself and the little hedonistic devil that lives inside of me. I love that guy!

Cheers.

P.s. Here are some tunes.

Brand New Eyes (the entire album) - Paramore
Who Says - John Mayer
Belle of the Boulevard - Dashboard Confessional
Dakota - A Rocket to the Moon
Radio - He Is We
Give It All - He Is We
Wildfire - Mark Beasley
Loraine - Mark Beasley

Simple ignorance.

2009-10-05T01:25:00.001-04:00

I like the simplicity of it all.

"Ignorance is your new best friend".

More to come soon.

Fly, Fly, Fly (without bridge)

2009-08-17T22:51:00.000-04:00

Bored with ideas.

2009-06-18T21:32:00.002-04:00

Here's something I wrote a while back sitting in bed at night:

3:18AM. That is what the clock read as I sat up in my bed. I lived in downtown New York at the time. A man with strong values, a good job, and a decent wage – without a girl. Call me old fashioned, but I don’t believe in marriage. Ever since my parents got divorced when I was 7, I made a promise to myself that I would never get married just to avoid the shit they went through. I lasted ‘til I was 21. It was the middle of June, and I was in Vegas for a friend’s wedding (cliché, I know). I was drunk and met this chick, we hit it off, and the next day we found ourselves in one of those cheap-ass wedding chapels where the man marrying you is 45+ years old and is dressed in nostalgic Elvis clothes. In short, we lasted for about a month when I found out she’d been cheating on me for about 3 weeks. Talk about women with short attention spans.

I got up from my half-sitting-half-standing position and turned on my night table light. Something remarkable struck me about this apartment – no matter how many lights you had turned on through the whole apartment, shadows still crept in the corners. I wish life had subtitles, ‘cause then when you’re talking to your immigrated Russian landlord, you could actually tell what she was saying. I walked into the kitchen and turned on the tap, waited for the water to cool, and took a sip. Something about ice cold water running down your throat in the middle of the night makes every single nerve in your body stand on edge. It’s like that feeling you get when you know you’re being watched and you don’t want to turn around because you know there’s a guy in a mask holding a knife ready to gut you. I think I’ve been watching too many horror movies. That would explain the irregular sleeping habits.

This time we're taking flight

2009-04-22T23:13:00.000-04:00

Rachel wins.

So here's the story:

About a month ago, Tara was given her final project for art. It was to pick a musical artist and create for that person a cd cover, back cover, business card, webpage, and poster. She chose me. So after a few designs and deliberations, she came up with the design below. The rest was to be provided by me: cd title, song names, information, etc. End result: a kick-ass cd and webpage design.

So here's the deal:

I've been busy recording as well as busy with school, and have also released some of the demos of the songs that will be featured on the record. The plan is to finish recording all the songs in a decent enough quality so that I can release/sell them as a) a digital release on a website yet to be determined or b) if I'm feeling even more adventurous, attempt to sell hard copies of the cd. So we'll see how things play out. Maybe I'll get lucky. Hopefully I'll be able to release it sometimes near the end of the summer.

We'll how that goes.

With regards to the website, Tara has spoken with Tim and he said he is willing to help me get the actual website up and running sometime this summer. So again, we'll see how that works out.

So there you have it. Below are some pictures of the designs. The first one, left to right, clockwise: Poster, Website, Front and Back Album Covers, Business Card.

Enjoy and awesome work Tara,

Brent

The tale of dreams I thought we all followed...

2009-04-08T01:11:00.000-04:00

This time it's me on my own
finally free and I won't
give up my dreams for no one
or be a pawn of what they want me to

This time be sure they'll listen
to what I say, I'll mean it
with every single word
I'll make sure I am heard
So they won't have a doubt
of what I want to be

Amely - On My Own

***

Right there has been my motivation for the last little while. I've found that I've come to realize my own potential with the gifts that I have been given. Whatever it may be, I've been working to hone my skills to become the best I can be.

Hence why I have come back here.

***

So, as you might have noticed, I've sort of been on "hiatus" for a while. Sure, I've posted little things, but nothing of real, true, honest value - or so I've found. Anyways, here I am, ready to tell everyone what's been going on in my life as of late. Here goes:

..hold on, going to get ready for bed...

Alright, I'm back and ready to go. On your mark, get set, go!

I feel I've been in a race every since second semester started (like the connections, yeah, you know you do!). It seems that these past few months have been a subtle blur, but yet, I find I don't remember a whole lot of what has happened. I think that's probably the underlying reason why I haven't been here for "real" for a few months. I think I might have something, even though my psychology professor told me I shouldn't self-diagnose, and I know that everyone says they hate it when other people self-diagnose themselves. But let's be honest - you all do it. Maybe not consciously, but you all do it. I know, I've been there.

***

Backtrack. First semester a lot of shit happened that was neither foreseeable, and for the most part uncontrollable. Only a few people know about it, 'cause it's not something I want to make publicly known, for I felt a wrong was done to me. But if you really, truly want to know, ask me about it sometime.

Just not on here.

***

Fast forward. I've somewhat figured out my future. Or at least the controllable part of my future. As of April 6th, I am now a Psychology Major. Other possibilities include a Phys. Ed. Minor as well as an Environmental Studies Minor. There's also the possibility of one-upping my general Psych Major to an Honours Major.

Then there's also the option of immigrating to Africa to live among the villages to learn to Xhosa language.

Yes, that language is legit.

***

Back to the present. So as I said earlier, I've been working to hone my skills in certain areas of my life. And this is true. If it wasn't true, I wouldn't have said it. Which brings me to my next point...

Racism is the next prejudice!

No, but really. I'm following in T-Rex's footsteps. Or dinosteps. Or awkwardlylookingfeetthingsteps.

However you want to put it. It is the 21st century after all.

***

Anyways, back to the real stuff. I've got some summer plans laid out. Mostly work related of course. I'll be landscaping. I'm quite looking forward to being outside all summer, or at least I will be. I have a feeling come August, I'll want nothing more than an inside AC lazy-ass type job. We'll have to see about that though.

Other summer plans include swimming, beating Super Mario Bros 3 without using the warp zones, and for that matter, finding a NES system on Ebay to have in my room for next school year. Yes, that will be awesome, I know. You are all jealous. Also, camping, staying in shape, and road-trips are all possible events to fill the agenda.

I'm sure I'll figure something out. I mean, I do have 4 months now.

***

Alright. Now to get to the true point of this post. Actually, there really isn't a true point, more just I felt compelled to come back here for reasons I can't actually explain. I think.

Anyways, as some people might have noticed, or failed to notice, I have a little surprise for some people. Meaning a surprise for all people. So yes, that includes all you.

Let's just say this little surprise came into full swing about 3 weeks ago. I had original plans to undertake this surprise when I had a little more time of my own. But by the grace of God, I was made an offer to have it undertaken for me. Aren't I just lucky.

Here's a little hint: the surprise has something to do with me honing the skills I've been given over the past 7 and a half months.

Guesses are welcome, but I'm not saying anything.

***

Well. This brings me to the end. It's now bedtime for me.

Sleep will feel so good right now.

***

Yes, yes it does.

New Videos

2009-03-24T17:55:00.002-04:00

I know I said I'd get to a real update, but for now these are going to have to do. Three videos, one original (half of it), two covers.

Hope all's well,

Brent

UPDATE..sort of

2009-02-20T15:42:00.000-05:00

Sooner or later I'll get to a real update. But for now, check it out:

www.myspace.com/brentknibbe

New song: By My Side (Insecurities)

Talk to you all soon!

Brent

I still have no answer.

2009-01-14T00:56:00.001-05:00

I've finally reached my breaking point.

Right now I'm coming from somewhere inbetween a rock and hard place. I'm sure you've all heard that expression in your lives before, and if you haven't, well you should feel great about that. When you're stuck between two hard places that, in the end, will come to the same result, you might have a hard time feeling motivated toward either one of those "places".

I've got chills. I'm wearing a t-shirt, sweater, sweatshirt, and a jacket. It's 21 degrees in the house. Yet, I've still got chills. Tell me, HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT WORK!

I'm definitely at my breaking point.

What do you do when society has lost complete faith in you? What do you do when your own integrity and faith doesn't mean a thing? Why do I feel so lost and so insecure? And why the hell am I lying on the floor? Good God. Is God good? I'd like to think that He is, but at this point in my life, I'm not sure whether the situation I've been placed in could be considered good. Lord, I hope you've got a plan for me.

I'm past my breaking point.

I think it was that speed bump I hit at 110km/h while I was getting as far away from here as possible.

Halfway around the world
Lies the one thing that you want
Buried in the ground
Hundred miles down
The first thing that arises in your mind when you awake
Is bending you till you break let me hold you now

Baby close your eyes don't open till the morning light
Baby don't forget we haven't lost at all yet

Don't know what you're made of till the one thing that you want
Is coming with the dawn and suddenly changes
Monday's syndicate means everyone's the same
And all we've lost to the flame listen to me now

Baby close your eyes don't open till the morning light
Don't ever forget we haven't lost at all yet
All we know for sure is all that we are fighting for
Baby don't forget we haven't lost at all yet

Someday when this is over
We may still have no answer
For now is when I hold her
We are closer
We are closer
We are closer
We are closer

Baby close your eyes don't open till the morning light
Don't ever forget we haven't lost at all yet
And though we know for sure is all that we are fighting for
Baby don't forget we haven't lost at all yet

We are closer
We are closer
Now we are closer
We are closer

The Fray - Syndicate

2008-12-16T21:05:00.003-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/user/therocketdog00

I always knew it.

2008-12-15T14:10:00.004-05:00

Results of your
Attention Deficit Disorder Quiz

You scored a total of 33

You appear to experiencing some type of attention and concentration problems which are often common amongst the general population, but border on the possibility of being more severe. It is unclear as to whether you suffer these problems severely enough to need to seek further diagnosis and treatment of them. You should not take your responses to this self-report questionnaire as a diagnosis or recommendation for treatment of any sort. Consult with a trained mental health professional if you are experiencing difficulties in your daily functioning that you are worried about.

untitled from english at 8 AM

2008-12-03T10:33:00.001-05:00

here's a little something i wrote very early in english.
let me know what you think

My eyes are so tired
when we're looking through the fire
I need your touch to survive

'Cause it's you, only you
when I rise with the sun

I'm so far away
yesterday's gone, I'm living today
and you're breath fills me up
and I drink from your cup
so why do I not feel alive?

Sometimes I walk the streets at night
when silence is all on my lips
I think I need you to survive
but I'm not sure it's right this time

'Cause it's you, only you
when I rise with the sun

I'm so far away
yesterday's gone, I'm living today
and you're breath fills me up
and I drink from your cup
so why do I not feel alive?

This time when the sun rises up
when the silence is gone
when I breath my first breath
and when I'm living alone
when time leaves its home
I dream I'll be living for you

'Cause it's you, only you
when I rise with the sun

I'm so far away
yesterday's gone, I'm living today
and you're breath fills me up
and I drink from your cup
so why do I not feel alive?
and why do I not feel alive
Jesus make me feel alive

A Few Words...audio version!

2008-11-27T01:52:00.002-05:00

In response to two posts ago.

Enjoy,

Brent

2008-11-19T15:47:00.000-05:00

Words.
Contain thoughts.
Contain emotion.
Contain whatever we tell them too.
They are just ourselves speaking to ourselves.
Sometimes poetically.
Sometimes awfully.
Sometimes gramatically incorrect.

Here's a word for you:

Fuck.

Sums everything up in my head.

A Few Words

2008-11-18T17:04:00.002-05:00

Our bodies were laid out
they were laid for fifteen yards
in the lawn
and two feet above our heads
was a fly trapped in a jar
in a jar

Well I hadn't noticed
but the people really noticed
that they really didn't want us around
so every single one of us
hit the ground
hit the ground

2008-11-12T11:42:00.001-05:00

Is it such a bad thing that I listen to David Archuleta?

No, I don't think it is.

So shut up.

We all need saving

2008-11-04T23:47:00.001-05:00

Tonight I started taking things to heart: I started to notice certain qualities about people that bothered me, and I started to notice certain qualities about myself that bothered me.

And that bothered me.

So what do I do? I come here, because well, when there's nobody else around you/and you're left out in cold/you get lost in every emotion/and relive everything that you've done wrong.

It always comes out lyrically. Why do I always come out lyrically?

At Cavanaugh Park
where I used to sit
all alone in the dark
and dream about things
that I cannot say
you always said destiny would blow me away
and nothing's gonna blow me away

- Cavanaugh Park by Something Corporate

Okay, so I'll be honest. I haven't connected with anyone ever since coming to university. We have devotions once a week, and I must say, I dread them every week. It's when we sit down on those couches downstairs and everyone starts talking about their week and things going on in their lives, I feel something's missing. I feel disconnected from everyone around me. Why? Now that's something I really wish I could answer.

Alright, let's end it with something new/unfinished. I mean, what kind of a post would this be without some new words. So here you go.

And she said, said to me
I've got these insecurities
that I can't seem to please
And I, I can't decide
whether I should run or hide
Can you draw me a line?
Can you draw me a line?

'Cause in my life I find
that these lies I try to hide behind
always rise to the sky
and when I'm left here staring blind
will you be by my side?
will you be by my side?

And there's times I believe
that I should fall right down,
right down to my knees
And your soft spoken air
doesn't nearly compare
to the sadness I see in your stare

'Cause in my life I find
that these lies I try to hide behind
always rise to the sky
and when I'm left here staring blind
will you be by my side?
will you be by my side?

P.s. Do you see pictures in my words?

It always come back to you.

And again?

2008-10-29T11:31:00.002-04:00

Who remembers that?

I laughed when it came up in my picture slideshow on my desktop.

Sorry to bother you all.

Unreliable (without extras) and something new

2008-10-27T23:47:00.001-04:00

Here's something to listen to:

The "without extras" refers to extra instruments I took out because I realized that the timing was a little off. So I have to fix that.

Anyways, let me know what's going on with you guys.

Hope you like everything new here.

Signed,
Brent

Meet me down behind our old school

2008-08-26T22:34:00.000-04:00

These clicking machines
they don't mean anything to me
'cause I'm the one who needs me to please her
when she's so fucking high

And no I don't mind
but I'd rather you die
so I'm stepping away from the edge
this mind's not made for drowning

So if I could fly into my dreams
and find the truth in the world around me
well then I would finally figure out
in what I believe

..this is what happens at night..

be back soon,

stickier than water

Welcome to the Carnival

2008-08-08T00:34:00.000-04:00

I met you at the carnival
there were lights strewn about
all the children laughing
made us dance under the diamonds

Way up in the sky
they left a blinding reflection
of your beautiful face
in my eyes
in my eyes

I don't know who to turn to
and I don't know where to run
but I know when things concern you
that I will pull on through
and I will pull on through

We rode the ferris wheel
deep into the night
we sat on the top of the world
we were so damn high

And our dreams, they were captured
in the blazing ring of fire
as we sat on top of the world
and we stood on top of the world

But I don't know who to turn to
and I don't know where to run
but I know when things concern you
that I will pull on through
and I will pull on through

[I wanted to write something simple, and this came out in two nights. I guess it's mostly completed, and I am happy with out it turned out. Maybe it'll get some tuning when I actually care more.]

Side note:
I've been trying to read the Bible more lately, but every time I pick it up and start opening it, I get this feeling of failure. I can't even get to the point of opening the damn thing before I realize what a shitty excuse for a Christian I actually am. Maybe somebody up there is trying to tell me something.

Side side note:
I'm doing it for you, not me. It's one of those occasions where one person gives up their time and enjoyments for the enjoyment of the other person.
So yeah, it's all for you.

Welcome to my mindset from the past week,

The Carnival

Jack's Mannequin - The Glass Passenger

2008-07-21T18:15:00.003-04:00

Teaser Video:

Trackist:

Crashin'
Spinning
Swim
American Love
What Gets You Off
Suicide Blonde
Annie Use Your Telescope
Bloodshot Eyes
Hammers and Strings (A Lullaby)
Drop Out - The So Unknown
Orphans
The Resolution
Caves

Acoustic Versions:

Release Date: September 30th, 2008

Summer Update #1

2008-07-08T22:27:00.001-04:00

The shadows
of those silohouetted trees
well they haunt me through the night
and the fainted glow
of that silver light
well it shines back at me
and your blue eyes
they stare right through me
they're making me bleed

and I, I don't know what to do
when I look at you
let go
'cause I've been here many times before
('cause maybe if I've felt it once)
well then I could somehow feel it again

[just the first verse and chorus of something new I've been working on - thought I'd share it with you]

Just a little quick note:
I went to Redeemer to pick courses today - here's what I "ended" up with (you can change them later of course):

Semester 1:
PED-118 [Anatomy and Physiology I]
HIS-105 [Development of Western Civilization]
ENG-103 [Intro. to Lit. - Fiction]
BUS-121 [Intro. to Buisness]
PHY-115 [Physics for the Life Sciences]

Not particularly excited for the Physics, but I'll probably switch in anyways.

Semester 2:
PED-218 [Anatomy and Physiology II]
REL-101 [Biblical Theology]
HIS-107 [The History of Eastern Europe]
PSY-122 [Intro. to Psychology - General and Experimental]
ENV-101 [Intro. to Environmental Science]

So that is how my life will be unfolding over the next year. Or rather, probably unfolding.

You never know what could happen.

Music

2008-06-23T19:00:00.001-04:00

www.myspace.com/sanspulprecords

Thanks,

Brent

music videos? [re-posted]

2008-06-10T21:25:00.000-04:00

http://video.google.ca/videoplay?docid=7086354203630111244

http://video.google.ca/videoplay?docid=-581736833354884044

http://video.google.ca/videoplay?docid=5297693777322958569

Check 'em out!

edit//
i thought i would put these back up here. i found them and i haven't watched them in a while
so here you go!

God is nowhere/God is now here.

2008-05-11T00:53:00.001-04:00

I started having doubts tonight.

Of course, I always have doubts. We all always have doubts, but most of the time we supress them and forget about them.

They always say you should never repress your emotions.

I just mixed up "supress" and repress". Wait, are those the same? I'm not really sure and coincidentally, I don't really care.

I'm supposed to care now, about everything.

And I can't say I don't not care. I just used a double negative, now when was the last time that happened to me. Oh right, I remember. One year ago five days from now. Or was it six?

That brings me back to doubt. It's funny how everything works in a cycle. Funny in a not so funny way. God, right now is probably/most likely/definitely the one time I wish we didn't have any dandelions. They hurt my head.

What's the difference between dandelions and roses?

They both live, die, and are reborn. A cycle. I just got a picture of a red bicycle with it's paint melting off. Weird. Roses have thorns, but dandelions leave your fingers looking ______. Also, roses are used in every tragedy. And if there's one thing I've learned about life, it's that tragedy is too flattering.

Dandelions aren't flattering.

2008-05-07T19:20:00.001-04:00

Always asking a question
And I don't want to know
Like the wind across strings
That had finally let go
And the people you love
But you didn't quite know
They're the places that you wanted to go

Oh, it should've been, could've been worse
Than you would ever know
Well, you told me about nowhere,
Well it sounds like someplace I'd like to go

Oh, it could've been, should've been
Worse than you would ever know
Well, the windshield was broken,
But I love the fresh air y'know

It was not the intention
But we let it all go
Well it messed up the function
And sure fucked up the flow
I hardly have people that I needed to know
'Cause you're the people that I wanted to know

2008-05-06T19:08:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I think I have super powers, but then I realize I'm just another unsuccessful supervillain

2008-04-29T21:11:00.001-04:00

Today I decided to start taking my future seriously

2008-04-28T20:43:00.002-04:00

I don't need a piece of paper to remind me I'm a failure

Breaking

2008-04-21T21:41:00.001-04:00

I get the feeling
like I've never done enough
'cause it's give and take
and now it's too late

I quit believing in miracles
for you're not an angel
I'm not okay
No, I'm not okay

'Cause I'm gonna break
right down before you
and I'm gonna break
'cause I don't know what to do
so I'm gonna break

What good is seeing
if you've seen too much
I won't wake
I won't wake
No, I won't wake

'Cause I'm gonna break
right down before you
and I'm gonna break
'cause I don't know what to do
so I'm gonna break

I'm leaving, given up for you
I'm wasting, is it good for you?
I'm fucking close to breaking
and I don't know what to do...
so I think I'm gonna break

Right down before you
and I'm gonna break
'cause I don't know what to do
so I'm gonna break

A short prose.

2008-03-27T23:36:00.001-04:00

Hi!

Remember me? No? I didn't think so.
I think I'm beating myself up over things that I ought to be leaving alone.

You came to me in the rain
your brown hair covering your face
I couldn't tell that you'd been crying
but your mascara had left me a trace

Come on, come on, come on, come on
I'm making a list of things I could've seen
nobody's gonna be there for you in the end
just turn away from what could've been

I just can't leave it alone
I just can't leave it alone
I just can't leave it alone
I just can't leave it alone

You're okay, you're okay
you're okay, you're okay
you're okay, are you okay?

I think my head just exploded. Hold on, let me check. Yep.
You've left me with a hole in my head.
Are you okay?

untitled

2008-03-21T22:55:00.002-04:00

Sky bright and blue
blue fades to red
there’s sand beneath your toes now
waves crashin’ through your head

We’re running through the rain babe
staring at the stars
dreaming of this moment
this moment that’s all ours

Hey we’re all living for nothing
it’s hard to love when you’re standing on your own
can’t love when you’re hurting
can’t hurt when you have no one to love

You’re standing on the pier babe
looking to the sea
scanning the horizons
are you looking for me?

We’re walking down the beach
on this boulevard of dreams
there’s no one to save us
there’s only you and me

Hey we’re all living for nothing
it’s hard to love when you’re standing on your own
can’t love when you’re hurting
can’t hurt when you have no one to love

Don’t Come Here Looking For Answers When You Know You’ll Be Left Looking For More

2008-02-25T22:14:00.001-05:00

You came home late tonight
I waited for you on the doorstep
You were standing there wet from the rain
I thought you said you were leaving

So what are you trying to say?
Standing cold in the porch light
Are you looking for answers?
Or seeking forgiveness, or maybe escape?

Darling, it’s too late for us now
We’re glass, both made of glass
And we’re both moving too fast
See through and brittle
We are broken in two

Can’t you see where we were before?
Where we left all our love on the floor
Someday you’ll have your questions answered
But don’t come here when you’re left all alone

Darling, it’s too late for us now
We’re glass, both made of glass
And we’re both moving too fast
See through and brittle
We are broken in two

So what are you trying to say?
Standing cold in the porch light
Are you looking for answers?
Or seeking forgiveness, or maybe escape?

Sweet and Low - Augustana (New Song!)

2008-02-17T20:19:00.004-05:00

Sweet and Low - Video
http://www.blender.com/Augustanasweetandlow/video/11175.aspx?src=BB3839:MD

Augustana Site
www.myspace.com/augustana

Jack's Mannequin

2008-02-15T23:59:00.003-05:00

The Mixed Tape - Acoustic
Where Music Meets Film feat. Jack's Mannequin

Add to My Profile More Videos

Dark Blue - Acoustic

Suicide Blonde - New song

The first verse of "Caves" - New song

An epiphany.

2008-01-29T21:56:00.000-05:00

So.

Disappointment=me
Disappointed=me

I'm just sitting here staring at the screen, wondering what I'm actually trying to say. I guess I'm just starting to realize things that have been knocking at the door for a while. Bad analogies are getting there.

I disappoint people=you. Did you know that? Ha, I just had a weird thought. The worst is that I disappoint you=everyone.

Losing time, missing out, forgetting thought.

That's where I'm at right now. Oh, one more thing.
Hateful=me
Hatred=I'm not going there.

Fly, I have tried to fly
To leave it all behind
You, you could heal my wounds
I have tried to leave it all behind, to leave it
Fairweather - The Send

Dear Jack (new trailer)

2008-01-29T18:30:00.000-05:00

2008-01-24T09:05:00.001-05:00

under construction

2008-01-23T23:37:00.001-05:00

I think I need something new.

P.s.
If you didn't get this before:
www.purevolume.com/brentknibbe

Words.

2008-01-10T21:32:00.000-05:00

So. I have no idea where I'm going to go with this. But I know it's going to be one of those things that people could get mad at me for. Well, maybe not mad. But you know, question.

I don't fucking care.

Maybe I've been living, acting, thinking, a little to carelessly. Maybe it's because I don't worry enough. Maybe it's because I worry too much. Maybe I keep things bottled up. Maybe that's because I'm scared of feeling vulnerable. Maybe I open up to the wrong people. Maybe it's because I'm overtired when it happens. Mabye I'm someone who rushes things. Maybe that's because I don't want to lose. Maybe I'm a liar. Maybe it's because it's easy. Maybe because I'm good at it. Maybe it's because I'm scared of the truth. Maybe I'm a hypocrite. Maybe that's because I am. Maybe I'm not trustworthy. Maybe that's because I lie. Maybe I'm not a good friend. Maybe because I'm a fucking jerk. Maybe I need to learn when to keep my mouth shut. Maybe that's because I tend to say what's on my mind. Maybe it's because that's not true. Maybe I'm girly. Maybe that's because I am. Maybe I like to reminisce. Maybe that's because I hate losing memories. Maybe that's because sometimes that's all I have. Maybe I've lost close friends. Maybe that's because I'm scared to show who I really am. Maybe that's because I don't know who I really am. Maybe I'm starting to lose it. Maybe "it" refers to many things. Maybe "it" refers to stress. Maybe "it" refers to anger. Maybe "it" refers to friendships. Maybe I don't have anything to say. Maybe that's because I don't have an opinion to share. Maybe I hate myself. Maybe I'm at a loss for words. Maybe I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe that's because I can't think straight. Maybe that's because I don't know how to think. Maybe I hate seeing myself fail. Maybe that's because I'm scared of failure. Maybe I hate seeing others fail. Maybe I've found my future already. Maybe I don't know what my future is. Maybe I hate my future. Maybe that's because there's so many uncertainties. Maybe I doubt myself. Maybe that's because I do. Maybe I should hold my emotions in check. Maybe that's because I tend to lash out too much. Maybe I lash out at the wrong people. Maybe it's because I don't want to hurt the people close to me. Maybe I need to take more interest in my friend's lives. Maybe it's because they do the same for me. Maybe I fake laugh too much. Maybe that's because I hate showing people my true feelings. Maybe I should stop being so defensive. Maybe I need to let my walls down and let someone in. Maybe I love. Maybe I don't know what that means. Maybe my words are hollow. Maybe that's because they are. Maybe I like to do things on my own. Maybe I don't anything in common with anyone around me. Maybe the only things I have in common aren't "good". Maybe I'm already living for the next holiday. Maybe it's because then I can forget everything. Maybe I have regrets. Maybe I didn't think I'd ever be able to hold together a relationship. Maybe I'm waiting for a sign. Maybe it's because I don't know what I really feel. Maybe I need a safe place. Maybe it's because I'm scared, not of what's out there, but of what's in here. Maybe I'm scared of making decisions. Maybe it's because I don't want to make the wrong one. Maybe I need to learn patience. Maybe I should stop getting my hopes up. Maybe it's because every time I do, I get let down. Maybe I want to live in someone else's shoes. Maybe it's because I want to feel differently. Maybe there is no solution.

To pull one thing out:
Maybe I doubt myself.
What do you do when you doubt yourself? Do you doubt yourself?
I doubt a lot of things. Do I doubt you? No, I can't say that I do.

Do you doubt me?

With your eyes closed watching a strange show play out in your head
But you were smiling somehow
And your day froze and everyone in it sat still as a rose
But we were moving somehow

Back to when we started, losing who we were
Maybe we should only tip a bottle back to keep us filled up
Back to when we started, losing who we were
Everybody knows that you'd break your neck to keep your chin up

Open your eyes and the drops come in a snail race down to your neck
And look up but you were smiling somewhere

Back to when we started, losing who we were
Maybe we should only tip a bottle back to keep us filled up
Back to when we started losing who we were
Everybody knows that you'd break your neck to keep your chin up

Chin Up - Copeland

2008-01-09T23:15:00.000-05:00

Hi.

If ever you're bored:
www.purevolume.com/brentknibbe

Bye.

My cheshire cat doorstop with tears in your eyes.

2007-12-24T10:29:00.000-05:00

I drafted this months ago, but today I listened to the song again. Still in love with it.

(I fell in love with this song. So listen, love, and don't sleep forever. Oh, and that piano is the best in the world.)

Your granddad left home for the circus
He was young just like me, with hope to explore
He married a girl in Virginia
She could swing the trapeze, they could sleep on the floor

Your mother was born in December
On the one sunny day
That winter gave up
With warm summer eyes
That flickered like fireflies
And she stared at the world

So why do you leave these stories unfinished?
My cheshire cat doorstop with tears in your eyes
And why do you look when you've already found it?
And what did you find that would leave you walking by?

She was raised in a New England village
Then she moved to L.A. with a firefly stare
And you loved sunset strip when it sparkled
You grew up and you sparkled, but why don't you care?

And why do you leave these stories unfinished?
My cheshire cat doorstop with tears in your eyes?
And why do you look when you've already found me?
And what did you find that could leave you walking by?

And these nights I get high just from breathing
When I lie here with you, I'm sure that I'm real
Like that firework over the freeway
I could stay here all day but that's not how you feel

So why do you leave these questions unanswered?
The circus awaits and you're already gone
My cheshire cat doorstop with fear in your smile
What makes it so easy for you to be walking by?

And what did I do that you can't seem to want me?
And why do we lie here and whisper goodbyes?
And where can I go that your pictures won't haunt me?
What makes it so easy for you to be walking by?
Walking by
Walking by

Walking By - Something Corporate

p.s. I just love the beginning of this song

"This poor girl, whoever you're talking about, are you talking about some girl? This guys outing this poor girl as a slut. Some girl who just keeps..I think he knows a DVD's being filmed, and he's just calling this poor girl a slut. Awww, that's not very nice..haha. Alright hey..we don't wanna..I think she knows now, right..I think she knows..alright."

goodnight

Tell her this.

2007-12-11T22:01:00.000-05:00

I need to learn how to take compliments better.

For The Nights I Can't Remember - Hedley

2007-12-05T22:30:00.001-05:00

I think one of the biggest things I hate right now, is seeing someone fail.

Is that what it takes? 'Cause I could use some of that.

2007-11-24T22:20:00.000-05:00

Hello.

So I guess it's time for me to mark the end. Yes, it's the end. The end of something; something great. But although it's the end of something, it's the beginning of something else; something else great. It's been four years:
-of friendship
-of memories
-of jokes
-of "next one, next one"
-of late nights
-of early mornings
-of living for the next chance

So yes, it's the end. But it's also the beginning:
-of friendship
-of memories
-of jokes
-of "next one, next one"
-of late nights
-of early mornings
-of living for the next chance

Here's to new beginnings.

Wretched and assembled
these condescending hands
with condescending habits
and condescending plans

I stand without a clause
in this cause for a break
in this cause for a world
without forfits to take

The only unreliable thing
is relying on you
to rely back on me.

You would like to think you were invincible.

2007-11-17T12:17:00.000-05:00

I need to learn to leave well enough alone.

p.s. we lost in four sets

D/C and VB

2007-11-16T14:51:00.000-05:00

Picked up "Dashboard Confessional - MTV Unplugged v2.0" today.

It's pretty much amazing.

That's all I have to say..goodbye.

p.s. York Region Volleyball Finals tonight!

2007-11-11T18:30:00.001-05:00

Don't forget to be awesome!

Don't bottle up.

2007-11-07T22:29:00.000-05:00

So tonight I've been:
- judging myself
- judging my thoughts
- judging my motives
- judging my reasons
- judging my abilities
- judging my future
- judging my life

and here's the kicker:
- judging others

Tonight's ride home was fun. It just confirmed to me that I'm not the only idiot who make's bad choices.

Let's hear it for making bad choices!

Hooray!
Hooray!
Hooray!

F-word me.

I can't.

2007-10-30T20:01:00.000-04:00

What do you do when you feel inadequate?

Floating.

2007-10-19T23:57:00.000-04:00

(Thanks to Andy Philp)

And baby, now's the time
to make things perfect
and we'll make it perfect
'cause we'll be floating
floating up from here
and we won't sink underwater
'cause we'll be floating up together

Dear.

2007-10-08T23:20:00.000-04:00

Okay. So I don't know where I'm going to go with this, but we'll see what happens.

For the longest time, I've wanted to be someone's "go to" guy, the one who everyone just wants to talk to and listen. I've wanted to have something specifically directed at me. I've wanted to be somebody's someone. I've wanted to be somebody I'm not. I've wanted to be somebody I am.

And sometimes, I've just wanted to be somebody.

Sometimes I just wish I could have somebody who I could tell everything too. I've wanted to throw everything out there, and not be judged for it. But there's something that holds me back, something that scares me like nothing else.

I'm scared of losing the people closest to me. I'm scared of losing the few people who I trust.

I think that's what scares me the most about the future. Something about leaving all my highschool friends and moving away, well, it just isn't okay with me. It's taken me nearly four years to establish relationships with people that I don't want to leave it all behind, just to have to start over again. I don't like to think that my life is just one big cycle and every four or so years, it goes "let's do it all over again!" Yeah, I'm not ready for life yet.

I didn't want this to be another post how I'm not ready for my future, so I'm done with that.

Do dreams give some sort of hint towards the future?
Do you remember your dreams?
Do you dream?

I'd like to think that my dreams tell me things. Maybe something about someone, or about my future, or destiny.

Damn. There I go with the future thing again.

Do you believe in destiny?

I know I do. I think there's just too many things that have happened so far in my life for me not to believe in it. Sometimes I've wondered if I've made the right decisions in waiting for destiny to happen. I mean, I've had opportunities that I've either missed or let go, because I felt that something good was bound to happen soon. I sure hope that it pays off.

"You always want what you can't have" So what happens when you do finally get what you can't have? Or does it not work that way?

I hope it works that way. And I hope it works.

The old box full of polaroids sits on my shelf
With the pictures of the first time we took the city by ourselves
And the whole ride home
We played "Konstantine"
And I walked you to your doorstep
And you kissed me in the rain, my lucky day
I still spell konfusion with a "k"

Success Story - Holiday Parade

It's true, I still do spell konfusion with a "k"

You seem so afraid, afraid you'll regret
Regret getting closer and connected to me
And I feel like that too but I'm scared
Scared you'll leave while you feel you can

So I'll just wait and see
So I'll just wait and see and see

Let our eyes say words we'll leave unspoken
When we're trying to be careful
And words can be so confusing
When we're trying to be careful
But not too careful...

Fear, it has its place folded in squares
Squarely tucked in the back pocket of our minds
And yes, it's reckless to act but pointless to decide
Just let your world collide with mine

Let's not wait and see

Let our eyes say words we'll leave unspoken
When we're trying to be careful
And words can be so confusing
When we're trying to be careful
But not too careful...

What's the average number of times people feel this way in a lifetime?
Let's not waste more time

Let our eyes say words we'll leave unspoken
When we're trying to be careful
And words can be so confusing
When we're trying to be careful
But not too careful...

Our Eyes - Teddy Geiger

Is destiny knocking at my door.

2007-09-16T22:23:00.000-04:00

So I decided to come back here tonight. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I feel the need to say something. Maybe I'm doing it for all of you.

No, I think I'm doing this for me.

I'm scared of moving on with my life. It's as simple as that. I'm scared of moving on in all aspects of my life.

I don't know what my problem is. I get so defensive when people try to help me, especially when I don't want it. Maybe I like to do things on my own, or maybe I'm just to stubborn to accept help from anyone.

So what am I supposed to say?
Why am I having so much trouble writing stuff down?
Am I trying too hard at something that's not meant for me?
Am I cut out for all of this?

It's just that there's so many people who do it better than I do.

God I need some inspiration from somewhere.

When it's quiet, does she hear me?
In a room where no one listens
Don't leave me here, darling
'Cause I feel I might need to be near you

Slow down (come with me).

2007-09-02T23:49:00.000-04:00

Slow down, take a deep breath
we're alone, the sun is setting
summer's not over yet
we've still got some time left

So come with me tonight
we'll watch the stars fade, away
we'll go with our lives
but not yet
no, not yet

Slow down, take a look around
fireflies and fireworks
surround us now
and we don't have a care in the world
no, we don't have a care

So come with me tonight
we'll watch the stars fade, away
we'll go with our lives
but not yet
no, not yet

Slow down, you're moving too fast
the moon's fading now
down we'll go together
so let's go down
so let's go down to the water
and we've got one more chance to make this right
so let's make it right
so let's make it right

So come with me tonight
we'll watch the stars fade, away
we'll go with our lives
but not yet
no, not yet

And sometimes we just wanna stay
but I don't know, any other way
to say
goodbye, goodnight, goodbye

So come with me tonight
we'll watch the stars fade, away
we'll go with our lives
but not yet
no, not yet

Looking for the answer(s).

2007-08-29T23:11:00.000-04:00

So I've finally come back here with something real.

Sort of.

Something you said to me made me realize that I was being stupid. So thank you for that. I guess I can't be like that anymore. I don't think it's who I am, or who I want to be.

I think right now I have too many questions that need answering. So for now I leave you with what I think is the song that honestly describes my life (and summer) now.

Thunder - Boys Like Girls

Today is a winding road
That's taking me to places that I didn't want to go, whoa
Today in the blink of an eye
I'm holding on to something and I do not know why I tried

I tried to read between the lines
I tried to look in your eyes
I want a simple explanation; what I'm feeling inside
I gotta find a way out
Maybe there's a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Today is a winding road
Tell me where to start and tell me something I don't know, whoa
Today I'm on my own
I can't move a muscle and I can't pick up the phone, I don't know

And now I'm itching for the tall grass
And longing for the breeze
I need to step outside, just to see if I can breathe
I gotta find a way out
Maybe there's a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Yeah I'm walking on a tightrope
I'm wrapped up in vines
I think I'll make it out but you just gotta give me time
Strike me down with lightning
Let me feel you in my veins
I wanna let you know how much I feel your pain

Today is a winding road
That's taking me to places that I didn't want to go, whoa

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
Oh baby bring on the pain
And listen to the thunder

p.s. Sorry I couldn't give you anything more.

Question number three.

2007-08-18T00:34:00.000-04:00

Can a relationship be held together by a common flaw?

Question number two.

2007-08-08T23:29:00.000-04:00

What song best describes your life right now?

My answer:

Honestly - Cartel

Question number one.

2007-07-29T21:05:00.000-04:00

Do you have a safe place?

A place where you go that you feel nothing could go wrong, and that everything that is/has happened will be alright?

The secret's in the telling.

2007-07-24T18:30:00.000-04:00

Everyone has secrets that they keep from others. Even those closest to them.

Only two people know my secret, and they both know who they are.

Goodnight.

I could bold this whole song.

2007-06-28T22:18:00.000-04:00

There are certain people
You just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you.
You begin to wonder
Could you find a better one
Compared to her now
She's in question.

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and
The right thing are the same.

Maybe you want her
Maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare
To someone not there.

Looking for the right one
You line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind.
But she won't keep on waiting for
You without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out.

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and
The right thing are the same.

Maybe you want her
Maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare
To someone not there.

Maybe you want it
Maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come.

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and
The right thing are the same.

Maybe you want her
Maybe you need her
Maybe you've started to compare
To someone not there.

Maybe you want it
Maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come.

Maybe you want her
Maybe you need her
Maybe you had her
Maybe you lost her to another
To another.

All At Once - The Fray

Don't want to lose it all (part 2).

2007-06-20T21:21:00.000-04:00

i was going to wait a few posts before actually finishing this. but i think that now would be the best time for me. i don't think i've had it in a long time where i've spent so much time writing a blog post, and reflecting on things. it's just something that can't be ignored.

Oh, it's that time
It's that time again
Oh, it's all coming back around
There she sees me
Oh my god, this is who I've been
And I'm branded each day.

Go on and lose it
Go on and lose it all
Go on and lose it
(Go, go, go)
Go on and lose it all
Go on and lose it
Go on and lose it all
Go on and lose it
Go on and lose it all

Immediately we find out then
That I can be blamed for this
But then it just figured out today
And you're so sweet, you say
Go now and get your own life, and live it your way
And I hear you say

Go on and lose it
Go on and lose it all
Go on and lose it
(Go, go, go)
Go on and lose it all
Go on and lose it
Go on and lose it all
Go on and lose it
Go on and lose it all

Hey, hey, hey,
Woaahhh,
Hey, hey, hey

Well, and if we find another, then we will get ours
And if we find another, then we will get ours

She's pickin' up her clothes, she's off and she's running
She says to me
Go on and lose it
I think she means well, but man I can't tell you
She says to me
Go on and lose it all
Go on and lose it all
Go on and lose it all
Go on and lose it all
Go on and lose it all

Lose It - Cartel

sometimes the same is different, but mostly it's the same
these mysteries of life, that just ain't my thing

when planes land, heads spin
gets me thinking
'cause no one's watching
and i just fell in

and then i had a mind blank
and then my mind went

sometimes i just wish that i could be in someone else's shoes. but then when i get thinking about it, i just realize that all i ever wanted was right there in front of me all along.

i think something i've realized recently, is that you never know how good or bad things may be, until you actually talk about it. i look around at all the relationships and i wonder to myself why can't i have that? why am i the one, who at the end of the day, is left walking home alone? i can't help but believe in the fact that when the day ends, i feel this way.

and then things changed
my new least favorite time:
5:09 PM
and then things went bad

do you ever get in a situation that you can't get out of?
do you ever get the feeling that things are going to be okay, and that they'll work out for you one moment, and then the next, feel totally let down?

and that's what happened
and that's what fucking happened

i think i've finally realized what the problem has been all along. i think that it's my fault; that maybe i waited too long. maybe it was because i was scared, or maybe it was because i wasn't sure what you would say.

maybe there is no solution. but i think there is. but to say it here, well that would just be one of those "horrible" thoughts.

do you ever contradict yourself?
do you ever feel guilty?
well now i know you do

i guess i'll just have to deal with the fact that things won't go my way. i know you told me i'm a good friend, and that i said the same to you.

it's just funny that you disagreed with me.
now i see why.

i have a funny feeling that i might regret posting this. but i guess regret is just another thing that i'm gonna have to learn to live with. my the "list is bending up".

songs "on my mind":

Lose It - Cartel
Late Night Television - New Atlantic
Black Balloon - Goo Goo Dolls
Such Great Heights (The Postal Service Cover) - Iron & Wine
See the Sun - Black Lab
Wire and Stone - New Atlantic
No Other Way - Jack Johnson
Whatever Gets You Through the Night - Los Lonely Boys
God - Jack's Mannequin
Zero - Hawk Nelson
Caught By The River - The Doves
Overkill - Colin Hay
Have It All - Jeremy Kay
Ghost - Howie Day
All the Memories - The Classic Crime
My Bidness - Kyle Williams

have a listen. i think you'll find them to your liking.

guess what? i'm Driven By Sound. yeah that's not going to make sense to more than half of you. actually most of this isn't going to make sense to most of you. but hey, i guess this is for me. it's nice to do something for yourself once in a while.

i just want to say one thing:
the biggest problem i have is controlling my emotions, as you might have noticed. being this close to someone is nice; at least i have someone to talk to. but at the same time, i find it hard to talk to you. but then again, my emotions aren't going away. and i don't think that letting them go away is a solution.

also:
do what you have to do

p.s. title contradicts the song

Don't want to lose it all (part 1).

2007-06-13T23:11:00.000-04:00

welcome!

so i figured i should actually come back here for real. i was considering posting more lyrics of other peoples songs and quotes that somehow get to me, but i figured what the hell, let's have some fun.

monday, november 15, 2005

dear god, why does my past continue to haunt me?! i've tried running but that doesn't work. i've tried ignorance but that doesn't work. i've tried everything short of doing something completely stupid, but nothing works. music does make me think, and most of the time that's not good. but you know what also makes me think..pictures.

it's true, pictures are worth a thousand words. too bad that's not enough.

would you go back in time and change things if you could?
would you do anything you could in order to get things back to the way they were?
would you give up what you have for me?

or would you give it up because you think it'll make things better?

maybe that's just what i want.

A walk through the hall of memories.

2007-06-03T20:49:00.000-04:00

There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard,
No song that I could sing
But I can try for your heart,
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things,
Like a shoebox of photographs,
With sepiatone loving,
Love is the answer
At least for most of the questions in my heart,
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy,
And sometimes life can be deceiving,
I'll tell you one thing, its always better when we're together
...
I believe in memories
They look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when, and when I wake up,
You look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time,
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing,
We're better together

Better Together - Jack Johnson

I just don't want to look back and wonder what could've been.

And through the sleeplessness.

2007-05-24T22:47:00.000-04:00

You know it ain't easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it
In French or in English
Well, diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I'm telling you
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out lately
Whenever you come around me
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away
But these feelings won't go away

Sideways - Citizen Cope

Sometimes I wonder why.

Cold Shower's in Hot Weather

2007-05-11T22:01:00.000-04:00

hi everyone!

man, everything's so backwards. i actually thought i grew out of everything here, but i really don't think i want to. but i think i did, which isn't cool. how come time is never on my side? how come the amount of time i use to figure things out in my head, is the time that i can never get back?

damn past, damn you past!

i think i'm loving the warm weather. it means i can wear sandals again. like i did almost 2 months ago, when we walked along the beach holding hands, with the sunset behind us, and you told me things i didn't want to hear. but part of that's a lie, and i know it.

i want to be a superhero. either that or i need a hero, either would be nice.

if i were to write an album right now, the tracklisting would be:

It Should Have Been Me
My Fault
Imaginary Heroes
Confusion is a Cold Shower

look! i just made an EP..i guess that increases my coolness level a whole bunch!

if i could describe how i'm feeling with one song it would be:

Human - Jon McLaughlin

listen to it!

oh, and John "J.D." Dorian, i know how you feel.

and a quote

2007-02-24T09:25:00.001-05:00

"Everyone needs a hug now and then" - Aaron Lott

i think i skipped a page of life

2007-02-12T20:45:00.000-05:00

tell me a story where i was the king
play out the picture like it was a scene
from a movie you've wanted to watch for so long
but words are exed out, they must of been wrong

i've grimaced so senseless as i try to find
a story that makes me feel so sublime
please help me discover what it takes to love
or at least love me back, this love life is rough

here i go, i'm falling back into the cycle
where i feel lonely and spiteful
and i am destined to be
a singularity
here i am
watching as my other side
in darkness without any light
all the sadness, loneliness, and rage
but just ignore it, skip a page

wasted so much time drinking down the things
that weighed on my mind gave alcoholic dreams
but it all came back up and made me sick
i couldn't hold it down, the liquor was too thick

so jealous and zealous that i have become
racing to disaster what the hell have i done?
thinking of days that were long ago
just wanted to have something i could show

here i go
i'm falling back into the cycle
where i feel lonely and spiteful
and i am destined to be
a singularity
here i am
watching as my other side
left in darkness without any light
all the sadness, loneliness, and rage
but just ignore it, skip a page

tell me a story where i was the king
play out the picture like it was a scene
the story you told me i wish you would
not have told the one with me as damaged goods

drugged on love

2007-01-24T22:35:00.000-05:00

where has everyone gone?

what has happened to this world we have here?

lyrics stuck in my head:
one, you are beautiful
two, you are wonderful, but
three, you've got praxter's in every pocket

p.s. can anyone tell me what a praxter is? your opinion is much appreciated (i just want to see what you all think a praxter is)

lay down your emotion

2007-01-10T16:05:00.000-05:00

i lay here on this bed of nails
and you cried out for help
they're piercing through my skin
with blood stains on your lips
you whispered to God to save you
but it was more than just a whisper
so i screamed into the darkness
hoping that someone would hear me
but they responded with silence
and with the thoughts of suicide
running through my head
i came to the true realization
that i was already dead
and i cried to this realization
i cried to God for reason
and your blood stains on my lips
with hope of escaping this emotion
i laid down on this bed of nails
hoping to escape this emotion

this is my last dance for now

goodbye and goodnight

sincerly,
lost out of love

a tree without roots

2007-01-02T11:47:00.001-05:00

What I want from you is empty your head
What I want from us is learn to let go
you
you
you
bleed
bleed
bleed
hate
hate
hate
me
me
me
Hell when you're around
out
out
out
What I want from this
you
you
you
leave
leave
leave
hate
hate
hate
hate me
let
let
let
It's hell when you're around
you
you
you
leave
leave
leave
It's nothing anyway
hate
hate
hate
me
me
me
Hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out, let me out

It's nothing anyway

from the lack of sleep and bloodshot eyes

2006-12-18T21:13:00.000-05:00

it's been a long time. yes it has. every time i try to do this, i get halfway and then erase the whole thing. don't ask me why. it's obviously for some reason i don't know. yah, it's that obvious. so i just thought i'd do this just to let all you know what's been going on in my part of life in the last little while.
well i've been busy. not that busy busy where i have so much to do, but that busy where i have stuff to do, but put it off till the last second so to make myself really busy. it's like right now, i should be working on some project or paper that will "help me later on", as my parents would put it. but i'm not going to get into that right now. i'll just give you a list of things that has happened in my life as of late ('cause we all know you love lists).
i have:
- been writing
- been not sleeping (for all who don't know, and i'm sure that's a lot of you, i've been suffering from a mild insomnia for the past two months)
- been in love
- been broken hearted
- been sick
- been tired
- been energized
- been touched
- been in my dreams
- been singing
- been playing guitar
- been watching movies
- been at sleep overs
- been staying up way too late
- been talking
- been talking to myself
- been swinging
- been partying
- been trying to quit msn
- been listening to music a lot
- been listening to new bands
- been trying to figure out a way to record myself
- been trying to play the piano
- been hating school
- been loving school
- been hating people
- been loving people
- been so far down, that's there's no possible way to get back up
- been reading past writings
- been reading other people's past writings
- been wanting to get away
- been avoiding situations
- been running away from emotions
- been not myself

here's a song:

another day and a whole new story
these past few weeks have been just a daze
i think i might have just closed my eyes
i've only got a few centuries to make a dent in the world
i’ve only got a small amount of time
i cant keep throwing every second i’ve got down the wishing well
in the hope that luck will find me
seek out this mediocre misery
just take my hand and bring me around
there is more to this life than just following the tide

don’t hold out beneath the linen this time
the emergency buttons aren’t just an escape
a serenade for the artist among us
who never had to face the consequence

i don’t want to be another sad excuse
couldn’t spend another night all alone
wishing that i could have done things differently
living for the moment seems to be so insecure
defined by character, we aren’t that much different anymore
the safest way around the assault course before us
like everyone else looking for another way out
but not so easy as to just walk around

it’s all about taking this head on
matter over mind for once
i'll make sure i’m standing strong tonight
brace myself for everything life can throw at me this time

now where were we. i could start with a lot of things, or maybe i won't start with anything at all. but what's the point of writing something long, without having a meaning?

so i'll ask you a question:
do you believe in absolute truth?

now here's a proverb for you:
A snowball stands no chance in hell
But this is Earth

how's about analogies..do you go for those?
you are my drug
and i am in withdrawl

(i know, i've used that one before)

this post has been a little different than what you're all used to. it's more the "so obvious that it hurts" kind of post. i guess it's cause i'm sick and tired of trying to explain myself. it gets annoying when nobody gets you, or gets what's going on. it's also kind of funny when people pretend they think they know what's going on. 'cause you sit there, nod your head and smile, just thinking to yourself "i don't know why they do this".

how's about a song by Sherwood. it's called What Lucy Found There:

all the leaves upon this tree
are forming words and pointing them at me
could it be a kind of sign
informing me that i've been out of line?
all the pages in this book
are giving me and interesting look
can they see beneath my eyes?
and if they could, i wonder what they'd find
and i won't feel alone tonite
'cause i can see the candle burning bright
and the shadows and the light
will keep my company tonight

it's a good song, you should listen to it...

yes, i think you should.

i find it funny how people can say things like, "oh don't worry about it. i know exactly how you are feeling." it's things like that just piss me off enough to do something. how can they know exactly how you are feeling when they aren't you. there's only two possible reasons that i can figure out how they would know exactly what i am thinking or feeling:
1. They can read minds - now i know that in reality this is impossible. The only way that they would be able to read minds would be if they had some sort of super power. The only person who i can think of that can read minds would be Professor Charles Xavier from the X-Men series. Okay, so he can read minds, but he's not a part of true reality.
2. They are God - and we all know that you're not. So stop pretending. Only God can read minds, me made us in his image, so it's only natural that he knows what we are thinking and feeling.

i finally got my JVIS test back, and i must say that i'm pleased with my results (but also somewhat surprised).

top 3 basic interest's:
1. Author-Journalism (93%)
2. Performing Arts (93%)
3. Nature-Agriculture (92%)

top 2 occupational themes:
1. Expressive (93%)
2. Practical (79%)

academic satisfaction:
486 (46%)

similarity to college students:
1. health, physical education and recreation (+0.56 similar)
2. environmental resource management (+0.44 similar)
3. performing arts (+0.40 similar)

similarity to job groups:
1. occupations in entertainment (+0.59 similar)
2. occupations in music (+0.54 similar)
3. occupations in fine art (+0.49 similar)

so there you have it. my jvis made me actually look at what i wanted to do, and i think i've changed my mind. i don't know if that's good or bad, can't really tell.

now i'm going to rant a bit.

why do we ask questions to which we already know the answer? because there has to be a reason for everything. reason controls our world. but reason does not come solely by itself. there are obvious strings attatched, because with reason comes truth. and reason and truth do not stand alone. if you have reason and truth, you must have trust. trust is the main element, it is the controller. reason and truth can only come through trust, and without trust, reason and truth cannot exist. it's unexplainable. i guess you could say that trust is an "unofficial" emotion. there are many different emotions, all of which are things you cannot deny, things you must accept. but trust is something that you must learn, it doesn't just come to you. you need to believe in trust to have trust.

i guess it's a matter of personal opinion. so here's where i leave you. i've given you my trust, now it's up to you to trust my trust, and give me that trust back.

(it all makes sense in my mind)

so i guess that pretty much wraps up this post. my life has been different lately, i guess i've changed.

please tell me if it's for better or for worse

sound,

brent

mountains and molehills, just manmade

2006-11-24T23:29:00.000-05:00

send for the gallows, it's time to lay down the law
we'll hang this architect for all he's worth
overlooking every last bridge he built
his handywork
it might as well have been the rope around his neck
he never saw much beauty in this city
and as blank eyes woke up once more
he promised himself he would burn it all down
dance in the firelight, there is beauty in destruction
there is beauty in this naked flame

is it amongst every last fist we throw
every word etched in stone and flesh
is our human nature flawed?
cause we fight for our dreams and when we get there we just want that little bit more
desperation sets fire to these very bottles we drink from
and then tosses them our way
but you can bet they remember his name
live by whatever you have, but you will die by the blade
whether it be broken glass spilled of your own accord
or knife thrust straight into your chest
when we are six feet under we are all the same

overdressed for decay
a rock lies above me with some half hearted words
and etched above lies my name
in a few more years it'll be worthless too
nobody ever looked out for me
so when i fall down for the very last time
i'm taking my acheivements with me
such disrespect for what i've done and what i've been through
shows exactly what we have become
darwin was right, we fight for survival, but then die tired
nobody ever looked out for me
mr hangman, take it away
i gave you my life story, now lets bring it to an end

history repeats itself

2006-11-18T13:47:00.000-05:00

[it's true, history repeats itself]

i was looking through my closet, when i found some old writings of mine. i think i wrote them the beginning of grade 10. each are just short, separate poem things. here you go...

he's the unsuspecting victim
of her unsupected rage
and his thoughts remain tangled
as she turns and walks away

i sing lullabyes
under the quiet of blue skies
and you'll know where to find me
when you hear my mumbled cries

and i'm living in this shoebox
which is my tiny escape
the shoes my expensive haven
but the box my lonely place

she asked me the definition of love
and i said that love is something that you feel
something that you feel for someone else
a emotion that you can't escape from
but an emotion that escapes from you

i'd like to say
those things i can't say
but then what would be the point
of calling them things i can't say

so lay down my loved one
listen to the words of your loved one
sleep well on this bed of nails
don't wake up till tomorrow

watermark

2006-11-09T19:06:00.000-05:00

i count to three and grin
you smile and let me in
we sit and watch the wall you painted purple
speech will spill on space
our little cups of grace
but pauses rattle on about the way that you cut the snow-fence,
braved the blood,
the metal of those hearts that you always end up pressing your tongue to
how your body still remembers things you told it to forget
how those furious affections followed you

i've got this store-bought way of saying i'm okay,
and you learned how to cry in total silence
we're talented and bright
we're lonely and uptight
we've found some lovely ways to disappoint,
but the airport's almost empty this time of the year,
so let's go play on a baggage carousel
set our watches forward like we're just arriving here
from a past we left in a place we knew too well

2006-11-02T16:23:00.000-05:00

i had intention of posting before i left this weekend

so i followed up on that intention

time my run and see how far
it takes for me to reach a star,
and look back with triumphant gaze
and never see you, only space.

happiness to slide away,
with just cause a smile grows faint,
friends can't part like Red Sea waves,
despondent Gods can never save.

drift in peace, and sail to space,
float round planets of my face,
watch me from your falling star
and fall away, and fall afar.

quietly dissolve in time,
escape the shadows of my mind.
leave me here, with just a trace,
so all I have is time and space.

be a star, and fall to me,
mirror my astrology.
be a ship, forever flight,
and silently pass in my night.

2006-10-29T20:01:00.000-05:00

a question:

is it better to let a strong relationship stop ubruptly, and purposefully, so that you remember how much it means to you, but it hurts like hell?

or is it better for it to fizzle out slowly, so that it doesn't hurt...but the memories and feelings of it all fade into obscurity and you forget how much it all meant?

memories in a photograph

2006-10-25T20:26:00.000-04:00

a lot of you have said that you are at a loss for words, or that words just aren't coming to you. but for me, words are the only describable way. so here are the words, words for you.
i want you to go back two posts. two of my posts. and look at the link that is there, and if it isn't working, here it is:
photo prayer
and i also found another type thing. here:
family
(and this post is in small writing, because i'm feeling small right now)

memories in a photograph

memories captured in a photograph
we want them to stay, last forever
not fading away in our thoughts, never
a memory for the ones who can’t recall
sepia colours on the photo frame
feelings captured so nice
but only this one moment
this moment frozen in time

photos fading never
unclear sepia shapes of the photographic set
so we will never forget

memories bound together in a photograph

the beauty should stay, last forever
enraptured picture, priceless memory
photographic retentions left to infinity
silently captured to never forget
not letting go of all you’ve held onto
the picture strongly held in your hands
trembling for the thoughts in your mind
i won’t let the painful tears roll over your face
so they can leave a cold trace

memories bound together in a photograph
keepsake off the past
all framed in this photograph

photos fading never
unclear sepia shapes of the photographic set
so we will never forget
so we will never forget

2006-10-15T12:10:00.000-04:00

i was alone, i took a ride,
i didn't know what i would find there
another road where maybe i
could see another kind of mind there
then i suddenly see you,
did i tell you i need you
every single day of life?

you are my drug
and i am in withdrawl

B r O K e N

2006-10-09T01:27:00.000-04:00

i'm broken, i'm torn,
i'm cracked, and i'm worn.
i'm lost, and it's cold.
i'm choking, i'm hurting,
i have lost faith in hoping
i'm trying not to care,
i'm searching for air,
i'm forgetting you were ever there.

i saw how this was breaking, but we weren't letting go.
i believed that things could be repaired,
as long as there was hope.
i didn't want to tell myself it couldn't be okay
so when reality came along, it hit me in the face.

the hole it kept on gaping,
and both of us,
we kept on changing.
for a long time i was dreaming, there really was incredible beauty in my world.
the memories were perfect,
the photographs were stories to be told.
i'll be better off alone.
you'll be better on your own
but where's the justice, at the bitter end
when your world is turned to stone

frustrated and broken

2006-09-27T18:50:00.000-04:00

here's something i wrote on the geography trip/now/earlier today

not very good considering each time i worked on it (which was like 3 times), it was only for about 5-10 minutes. so deal with it.

and this just goes to show that anyone can write a frickin' song. i'm disappointed in all of you, with one exception. you know who you are.

driving down this dusty old road
the streetlights dimming
nothing but frustration
is driving this rusty old car

when you said love
i thought you meant it
but when your word means nothing
what do i have

thoughts of you
are crawling through my head
like broken glass,
like my broken heart

now i'm sitting here
in this rusty old car
the streetlights dimming
nothing but frustration
is writing this broken down song

walking down this dusty old road
the streetlights dimming
nothing but frustration
is driving this broken heart

when you said love
i thought you meant it
but when love means nothing
what do you have

so i'm sitting here
in my broken little world
the streetlights dimming
nothing but frustration
is writing this broken down song
is writing this broken down song
is writing this broken down song

2006-09-26T19:55:00.000-04:00

you know what a fun thing to do is?
writing
it's a great thing
realy
really
it is
so how's about you do me a favor?
write
that
frickin'
song

cause it's getting me..well..not exactly pissed..more
like
frustrated

2006-09-18T17:36:00.000-04:00

i just had an idea

yes..I..had an idea..for a game that is..well not really a game. i guess you could call it that if you want.

write your own song. i know some of you have done that before. but write another

then just for fun you can either email it to me, post it on your own blog or comment it. you could also not show anyone..and just keep it to yourself.

but that'd be no fun

happy songing

brent

2006-09-15T19:00:00.000-04:00

singing for a broken heart
it just ain't easy to do
blinded by the tears i cry
tears you never knew

that's the first installment

i was..bored..

haha

9/11

2006-09-11T20:41:00.000-04:00

we're all walking airplane crashes

in other words..

we're all walking broken hearts

2006-09-10T15:30:00.000-04:00

i've been listening to ben lee a lot lately. real good stuff. try it sometime.

just thought i'd let you know that.

"right now im hearing nothing but silence
high beams are on - i can feel you
every piece contains a little bit of violence
and you've changed so much but its still you
no right angles in my life
no right angles in my life"

2006-09-02T16:53:00.000-04:00

we're all walking lonely

2006-09-01T22:46:00.000-04:00

i called you, monday
so i could meet you, tuesday
but tuesday's dark and dreary
she cries herself to sleep
i don't know what to say
i waited for you, wednesday
you said you'd meet me there
but now i miss you, thursday
why did you have to leave?
i think about you all the time
i'm sorry i cried, friday
but it's what you cannot see
it's all your fault, saturday
it should have been me
i have one thing too tell you
now you must see, sunday
that what she said was true
she loved you dear, with all her heart
i hope you loved her too
i love you

the lights are fading

so long, so long

2006-08-28T14:18:00.000-04:00

we're all walking contradictions

2006-08-22T21:46:00.000-04:00

hold you in my arms - ray lamontagne
when you came to me with your bad dreams and your fears
it was easy to see that you'd been crying
seems like everywhere you turn catastrophe it reigns
but who really profits from the dying
i could hold you in my arms
i could hold you forever
i could hold you in my arms
i could hold you in my arms forever

when you kissed my lips with my mouth so full of questions
it's my worried mind that you quiet
place your hands on my face
close my eyes and say
love is a poor man's food
don't prophesize
i could hold you in my arms
i could hold you forever
and I could hold you in my arms
i could hold you forever

so now we see how it is
this fist begets the spear
weapons of war
symptoms of madness
don't let your eyes refuse to see
don't let your ears refuse to hear
or you ain't never going to shake this sense of sadness
i could hold you in my arms
i could hold on forever
and I could hold you in my arms
i could hold forever

2006-08-14T19:54:00.000-04:00

alright. here's how it goes. one day/night of the weekend. starting with friday. ready, set, sail!

friday night:

went to the mall. needed some things. you know. but i had some very interesting..let's call them witnessings.

i witnessed...
..a soda pop disaster
..a construction breakdown
..a broken bone
..a robbery
..a forgiveness
..a first kiss
..a last goodbye
..a argument
..a breakup
..a breakdown
..a broken heart
..a smile
..a death
..a sunset

came home and played guitar.

saturday day:

did what i do best of course. pretended to be a racecar driver! no really. i did. actually it was more like a zamboni driver. when it's broken down and given a "technical" name, it's known as a lawn manager. i call a grass cutter. so much easier. but after about 78 laps i jumped off and went swimming, "like you do."

saturday night:

this is where my pyro technics come in. short story shorter, had a fire. started that at about six, and i sat out there for six hours (do the math people). but there was something i realized as i sat out there and played my guitar in near total darkness (i was too comfortable to get more fire wood). i realized i came up with some sort of analogy.
not trying to copy you andy
you are the moon. scaring away all the shadows.

crappy. but what the heck.

sunday:

went to church. then had all family over. it was fun. like it usually is. what more can i say? swam almost all day. played a little soccer. ate. did what me and my cousins do best. don't know what that is, but oh well. gave a little taste of british comedy.

now that's where it's at.

that was my weekend. but seeing as the week doesn't end. or isn't ending. i don't know. too tired right now to think.
one last thing. i'm at volleyball camp all week. so i might not be in a mood to talk. not trying to use it as an excuse, but whatever.
"check out please"

2006-07-30T01:06:00.000-04:00

he wrote this out of spite. he knows that. he can't deny it. he reads it over, what he has written. he deletes it and starts again, but he knows it's all in vain. he's telling himself a story.

he is so lost. he knows no one understand's him, and he knows that no one cares. he wants to start a new life. he wants to start over. he knows that he's just tired, but he doesn't care. he needs to leave it all behind, and escape to a place in his dreams. he has to leave this town behind and never return.

he's writing and the words just keep coming to him.

he tries to explain it to them. he knows it's all in vain. he knows that no one takes him seriously. especially her. he knows that she is the cause of all the problems. he knows that if he had never met her, things would be better. he can hate her, despise her, and detest her. but he knows that without her, he would not be able to go on. he knows that even though he hates, despises, and detests her, he loves her, admires her, and adores her. he thanks God for her.

he never knew God. he thought he did once. he thinks to himself, that nobody really knows God. he knows that others know and believe He exists. but he doesn't. he's having a hard time. he thinks it's because of the other distractions. but he's not going into detail about that now.

he doesn't give a damn anymore. he's writing these words with a sinical smile on his face. he says, here comes the fun part.

he hates himself for everything he does or doesn't do. wrong or right, he hates it. he knows that everything he writes or says, won't matter to anyone else. he's all alone. he knows the walls are closing in on him. he screams out in pain, knowing that it will do no good.

he finishes writing this story. he hopes that maybe, perhaps, and hopefully you'll take him seriously. he's praying for his own safety.

he is a damn fool.

goodnight.